Why am I talking?

Every Thursday morning for the past eight weeks, I hosted a community sit in my OMazing studio as part of a requirement for my Mindful Meditation Teacher program which wraps up next month.  Each week, I wrote and shared a Dharma talk and led a guided meditation.

The Thursday before Thanksgiving, I gave a Dharma talk on mindful communication. With the holidays close, it was helpful for me to review the importance of communication.  My family of origin – my parents, my two sisters and each of our families – are traveling to South Africa for a couple of weeks to explore Cape Town, Victoria Falls and to go on safari.  We’re celebrating my parents’ 80th birthdays.

While the travel distance and overall magnitude of the trip can overwhelm me, I am leaning into this rare opportunity to be with the people I love the most.   Our days will be filled with wonder and excitement, but also fatigue and, possibly, some crabbiness.  I’m preparing to show up as my best self.

My kids are teenagers.  My parents are octogenarians.  My husband and I are in the middle.  Matt turned 50 this month, and I am just a year away from that milestone.   Fortunately, neither set of our parents require our full attention. They are in good health and sound mind.  Our kids are quite independent.  I often say to Matt, “these are the good years.”  They really are!

How can I soak in this chapter of my life?  One way is that I listen more.  My favorite podcast hosts and spiritual teachers remind me that my job as a parent isn’t about preventing pain.  Instead, it is about learning to sit with the pain.  This practice requires a special skill set that is at times challenging.

When my teenage daughter had a fit about her hair the other day, she shouted and threw her brush.   I resisted my triggered response to yell something like “STOP! It’s just hair.  Who cares?”  That reaction would be like tossing kerosene on the fire - neither good nor effective.

Instead, I created some physical distance from her, took a breath and said, “I wish you were having a better hair day.”   She agreed.  The instance was over.

I love that phrase: “I wish….”  I use it all the time.  I say it to my exhausted new mamas who struggle with breastfeeding, “I wish it were easier.”  I say it to pregnant couples I teach who are wrestling with the uncertainty of their birth. “I wish we knew how and when labor started.”

My words are both true and kind.

Like all of you, I have deep-rooted patterns of communication.  It’s hard to change them. However, when I have clarity, I reflect on conversations that linger with me like a bad taste in my mouth. If I spoke negatively or gossiped, I remember how my body constricted.  When I lift people up and be more generous in my heart, I feel more open.    

We all need a little more space and grace.

The change begins with intention. My teacher Tara Brach said when you are talking, pause and say “WAIT.”  WAIT stands for Why Am I Talking?   

It’s a valid question!  I don’t need to talk to fill space. I don’t need to fix challenges that are not mine.  What I do need to do is to share the best gift of all which is my nonjudgmental attention.  Show up and listen.  I invite you to do the same this holiday season.